(my) Thought at Christmas!

Yesterday, in the midst of our retreat, I was entering to the dinning room for the meal. I noticed in the guest book, the name of God in Italian ‘Dio’ was written as the guest for the lunch. I do not know who wrote it or what purpose. Someone must have written it as a simple joke or the writer must have meant it. But this caught my attention. I went to eat, asking myself- can Jesus really be our guest?


This time of the year, when we prepare for the Christmas, we remember and reflect on the Incarnation of God’s Son, Jesus. He comes into our midst. He becomes like one of us.

What I love most of the Christmas is the embrace between Divine and Human. Jesus becomes one of us and shows us the light. He gives us hope and leads us to a new life. On the day of his birth he brings all together under the same umbrella. The rich, poor, wise, stupid…all were equal to him!

For me Christmas comes with an invitation to see around, specially to those who are less privileged. It is an invitation to reach out to them. This can be done just with a smile or gentle word! Are we ready to accept this invitation?

And then I ask myself!

(In this new column, ‘And then I ask myself’, I try to reflect on certain contradictories of life…unfolding my answerless questions)

Bridge between ‘near and distance’

Last summer I spent roughly a month in Gallarate, an infirmary for retired and sick priests. One evening when I was reading newspaper, a senior priest came to me and said, “You are a young man. Tell me something about facebook?” I did not expect such question but it was easy for me to answer his question. At the end I asked him, why he wanted to know about facebook and willingly offered my help if he intended to open a facebook account. He gave a big smile, took a chair and sat next to me. Then we had a long chat together. Among the many topics we dealt I still remember the event of his fast encounter with facebook. Let me tell you briefly what he shared with me.

He went for summer holidays along with another few priests. There was a particular priest, who teaches in a reputed university, was seen often with his iPod. He would be typing always. Out of curiosity, this senior priest asked him what he was doing with this small device. The university professor told him that he had almost four thousands followers on facebook, who would ask him questions related to faith and spirituality. He would answer them and he considers it was his mission to reach out to many.

At this point that senior priest told me that he had appreciated his good work but it would have been really good if he could spend sometimes with his friends who were with him. And then he looked at me and said in a soft voice, “Always give time to the people who are around you. Do not get addicted to machines, they do not have any heart!” I must admit that I liked the conversation of that evening. It was really thought-provoking. I decided to follow his advice

Then my busy life began once bell rang for the university. Suddenly the other day I remembered that ‘chat’. Why? Let me unfold to you…The other day we had a community gathering. It was relaxed evening, we were having chat. At one point I remembered that I had made a skyp appointment with a friend. I rushed to my room and chatted with my friend for more than an hour. But at the end of the conversation when closed my computer I remember that words of that particular senior priest. I could have finished with my friend within five minutes and spend more time with my community members!

It was another occasion when my words contradicted my action. And then I asked myself, “How can I bridge between near and distance?”

And then I ask myself! (part - 1)

(In this new column, ‘And then I ask myself’, I try to reflect on certain contradictories of life…unfolding my answerless questions)

Walk the talk!
Though I have forgotten the name of that particular Bangla film, but the story I do still remember very well. The story was based on a young boy, who was running a popular radio programme. He would often take the life related incidents and offer advices to the people. He had brought smile and joy to the life of many.

But the story took a dramatic u-turn when that boy met a girl, through his radio program. Soon they became friends. As the days went by, they began to spend more time together and began to share ‘joy and sorrows’ of their life. At one point the boy felt that he was in love with that girl but he could never express his desire. After sometimes the girl fell in love with another boy and decided to get married with him. On hearing that news the hero was totally broke down. No words of consolation worked for him! He was sad and left the radio programme. He ended up his life into a miserable condition. The story ended with a message, that if you love someone, tell him or her before it is too late. But the question I asked for myself was- why the hero could not apply some of his 'words of wisdom' which he would offer to others for himself?

Life is such- we are good at speaking. We often get into the habit of advising people. In my country we jokingly say that there is only one thing we get without paying is- advice. Personally often I find myself naked before the life related situations. The words of wisdom, which I might have given to many, do not work for myself. And then today, I ask myself, “Why can’t I walk the talk?”

Perhaps in the journey of life I will one day find the answer and I wait for that day…

Everyone is unique!

Recently we were returning from a daylong lovely and hectic tour. We were seven of us in the car, hailing from seven different countries. There were lots of laughter, jokes, fun and of course non-stopping consuming food. But it did not take much time to fall into sleep, as we were tried.

When we reached near the Vatican City, someone said that we had almost reached our home. Then someone proposed that we must thank our leader for taking the initiative to organize this trip. We all shouted together and clapped for him. Then another companion said that we must thank so and so for buying food, so and so for taking our photos. Spontaneously we began to thank all. There was one person who was rather quite during the entire trip and has not had any major role to play. Someone from the back seat said we must thank this particular person because he kept on talking with our driver while we were all sleeping. It was in fact a great job. I was a bit surprised to hear that. I have not had noticed this. At the end our thanks were for each one of us and we recognized the importance of everyone.

Thinking of 'doing' great thing!

When I was at the school I read a story about a man. In a particular village, a man had a great desire to serve his country at the time of war. He would tell everyone about his desire and was waiting for a war. Whenever people would come to him for a little help, he would always refuse them. Even at the time of great natural calamity of the country he remained at home. Thus in his life time he never helped anyone as he had an untimely death due to an unknown dieses.

Sometimes we want to do great things. We have desire to do something special. We keep ourselves so busy with ‘planning and preparing’ for the great thing that we miss the simple thing. We tend to reach out to greater audiences, but in the process we become stranger to the people who live close to us.

I had a very touching experience when I arrived in Rome. It was just before my first semester exams. I could hardly speak any Italian then. I would hardly understand anything after reading all notes and books in Italian. I was getting frightening as exams were coming closer. At this point, one day one of my community members said to me, “You seem to be lost. Why are you so sad? Can I do anything for you?”

I sincerely told him that I was frightened about exams and did not know what to do. He gave a smile and said that he would come to my room and explain to me. He kept his words and it was a great help for me.

Sometimes a smile, a gentle touch or a few words could be a great help to anyone. We really do not need any special talent to reach out to the people. A kind heart is enough to reach out to many people. Are we ready?

Faith: if I dare to say! (Part-5)

(Time and again, I was asked to share about my faith experiences. Frankly speaking, it is not easy for me to share about faith experiences. I often hesitate to share, thinking my experiences might sound silly and stupid to others. But there are certain experiences, persons and moments that gave me ‘DEEP’ experiences along the way. While thinking about ‘the year of Faith’, I tried to articulate these experiences here. Perhaps these are too stupid, too silly, too childish…but they are priceless to me! They keep me going…)

Faith: In the face of human experience

This time, after a long time, I felt writing is difficult! I was clear about my thoughts as was convinced of what I wanted to say. But I did not know how to put them in right expressions or in logical order. It is something like writing a mail to someone whom you love most. Often our human languages fail to express our true love.

Keeping in mind ‘the Year of Faith’, in my previous four posts I have attempted to share four concrete examples, which somewhere along way made impact in my life. These were, in fact, outcome of my ‘inner search’, what I have been deeply thinking for quite sometimes.

Faith: if I dare to say! (Part-4)

(Time and again, I was asked to share about my faith experiences. Frankly speaking, it is not easy for me to share about faith experiences. I often hesitate to share, thinking my experiences might sound silly and stupid to others. But there are certain experiences, persons and moments that gave me ‘DEEP’ experiences along the way. While thinking about ‘the year of Faith’, I tried to articulate these experiences here. Perhaps these are too stupid, too silly, too childish…but they are priceless to me! They keep me going…)

Faith: To be lived!

Today, rather strangely, at the lunch, we got into a conversation on the symptoms of different disease. I was sharing some funny examples and jokes. My companion sitting next to me, in order to pull my leg, whispered, “You should have been a doctor.”
“Of course I am a doctor. I am a doctor of the soul! Don’t you remember St Ignatius asked us to help the souls?” I reply with a witty smile.
He smiled at me and said jokingly, “you are great.”

Faith: if I dare to say! (Part - 3)



(Time and again, I was asked to share about my faith experiences. Frankly speaking, it is not easy for me to share about faith experiences. I often hesitate to share, thinking my experiences might sound silly and stupid to others. But there are certain experiences, persons and moments that gave me ‘DEEP’ experiences along the way. While thinking about ‘the year of Faith’, I tried to articulate these experiences here. Perhaps these are too stupid, too silly, too childish…but they are priceless to me! They keep me going…)

Words: Suddenly vomited but…!

I speak- (they say!) my words are kind, stupid, unnecessary, sweet, painful…! Many a times, I have hurt others by my words! I have had to digest comments like- your words are strange, your words have pierced my heart, your words have destroyed my peace…! I have also heard comments like- your words are so consoling, I cried after reading your mail as it touched my heart; you speak from your heart…!

Faith: if I dare to say! (Part - 2)

(Time and again, I was asked to share about my faith experiences. Frankly speaking, it is not easy for me to share about faith experiences. I often hesitate to share, thinking my experiences might sound silly and stupid to others. But there are certain experiences, persons and moments that gave me ‘DEEP’ experiences along the way. While thinking about ‘the year of Faith’, I tried to articulate these experiences here. Perhaps these are too stupid, too silly, too childish…but they are priceless to me! They keep me going…)

I was ‘missing’ for a while!

‘Once upon a time’ (this phrase I would often used when I was learning English!), I was separated from my parents for a while. I would rather prefer to say that I was ‘missing’. I must have been a boy of 7/8 years old. I was left all alone in this world. I encountered with a situation where, I would have been taken by the police from the street and put into an orphanage. Or I would have been grown up on the street or in a slum! Perhaps my name and religion would have been changed to something else. My situation would have been like one of the characters of ‘Slumdog Millionaire.’

Faith: If I dare to say! (Part - I)

(Times and again, I was asked to share about my faith experiences. Frankly speaking, it is not easy for me to share about my faith experiences. I often hesitate to share, thinking my experiences might sound silly and stupid to others. But there are certain experiences, persons and moments that gave me ‘DEEP’ experiences along the way. While thinking about ‘the year of Faith’, I tried to articulate these experiences here. Perhaps these are too stupid, too silly, too childish…but they are priceless to me! They keep me going…)

Returning from the door of death!

That must have been in 1994/95. I must have been 13/14 years old. That was the time when I knocked at the door of death. I was almost gone. I could even say, if I were lucky, I must have found myself in a cemetery. But most likely, I was supposed to be eaten by fishes or other animals in the river. ‘Ripon’ of today with different identities like: human being, Jesuit, brother, son, friend, companion, enemy, student…would not be sitting at his desk and typing this post. He would not have even touched a computer in his life time. There would have remained hardly anyone who would remember him till today. But things took a dramatic turn. I am almost tempted to say, God had different plan!Thus ‘Ripon’ is still alive and able to share his experiences…

The unnoticed beauty of life!

This Saturday afternoon would have been like another Saturday afternoon! I would have taken a long rest, then do some personal works, go for a walk or something which might give me some relaxation. In fact I thought of going to a place to spend some quiet time. But things have changed when a 74 years old community member proposed to me to go for a walk with him. I was rather surprised with the proposal. I grabbed the opportunity and went with him.

We walked almost for three hours. We have talked on different aspects of our lives. He patiently listened to me. At one point of our conversation, I asked him what was source of his happiness. He laughed and said, “Be simple and notice the unnoticed beauty of life.”

I asked him what he meant by ‘unnoticed beauty of life.’ “Very simple” his quick response. “Sorrow, hardship and darkness are always replaced by happiness, success and light in our life journey. But often we do not notice them. This is the unnoticed beauty of life.”

How true these simple words are!

Deep calls for deep!!!

‘Why did you say that? Why did you do that? Why did you behave that way? This is not right?’ …and many more! The list is endless! Time and again I have to face such type of questions. I must confess that I have begun to listen to such questions once I arrived in Europe, specially in Rome. Initially I used to be sad to hear. But once I realized that these questions arise out of cultural differences, I began to enjoy. In fact each time I face such question, I sink into deep thoughts. I look at the sky. I prefer to look at the sky at night. The dark silence of the sky gives me deep meaning. I see my deep self. I see my inner world. The nakedness of my life presents to me another life. Then I sink again into deep. In darkness, in silence…I find the ‘Deep.’ Theologian Michal Paul Gallagher, in his book, Dove e’ il tuo Dio, rightly says, God is found even in the darkness…I really do not know either I find God or not. But I am sure I meet something/someone DEEP.

During this summer I have had enormous encounters with the young people. These meetings opened my eyes to the reality that there is a great fear for DEEP. Our life has changed so much that we are afraid of Deep. We are happy with artificial, superficial and instant. This could be our relationship with each other as well as with God. Even we are afraid to go deep into ourselves. But in reality, in DEEP we find real meaning- joy and peace. And deep calls for deep…

Invisible among the visibles!!!

How wonderful it is to meet a person and engage into a very authentic conversation! It adds more excitement if one happens to meet someone after a long time! Recently, I had such an opportunity. I got a chance to meet a person after ten years. In fact, I was a bit surprise the way she greeted me. The way she held my hands, as per the tradition of my culture, spoke a lot to me. She is a senior nun, having much experienced than me. During our conversation, I could find out that she was quite up-to-date about me, though we never exchanged any forms of communication. Just to make fun at one point I told her, “I never knew somebody in this world loves me so much. I thought I am alone and forgotten person!”

I could not finish my sentence. Immediately the whole milieu turned up-side-down. She took my words literally and was very angry with me.

“God will be angry with you” she said angrily. “You are loved and there are many people to think and pray for you. We may not see or realize the love of others as we do not see God’s love sometimes. But God loves us so do others!” To calm her down, I had to admit that I just made a joke and wanted to make her angry. Then we had lovely conversation and she left.

She got into the bus and the bus began to move. I headed back home. But the thought lingered with me for sometimes. Yes God loves me…perhaps sometimes I notice it. Or may be sometimes I want to ‘rationalize’ too much that I do not find God. Perhaps too invisible! Too dark! Too complicated!... Thus Tagore rightly says, “have you heard his silent steps, he comes, comes every comes…!”

Life is like an airport!

We both were sitting across the table, enjoying a simple meal. The whole atmosphere was little somber as we knew this was our last meeting. We recalled our first meeting at the university. Initially language was a barrier to communicate with each other. As the days rolled by we found our common interests. We spent great deal of time at the university corridor, talking about serious and light moments of life. Now he has to leave to another country.

At one point of our conversation he said, “Life is like an airport. As in the airport, planes take off and take in; we have to always, in our life time also say goodbye and welcome.” I liked his comparison. In fact airports and railway stations are two places; I like to spend time in reflecting about life. Every movement of these two places reminds me of ‘life journey.’ These two places also help me to ‘examine myself’, if I put it in the Ignatian term.

Within a few minutes, I would leave for my retreat. Perhaps these eight days will be like spending time in an airport or in a railway station. I will have to say goodbye and welcome of….. But more importantly I will have to meet someone, who is always with me, though hidden and invisible!

This short meeting I will always cherish…

(For the last two months I have been visiting and meeting many people as my summer programme demanded me to do so. On August 16, I came to Gallarate Jesuit community to spend a few weeks. I try to help out in the Jesuit infirmary. I met some wonderful Jesuits here and Cardinal Martini is one of them.)

On August 17, after the Eucharistic celebration Father Cesare, the Superior of the Gallarate Jesuit community asked me, “Did you meet Cardinal Martini?” “I saw him from far but I did not have courage to meet him personally” I said rather low voice. “Come with me” he said and asked me to follow him.

Cardinal Martini just came out of the chapel with his wheel-chair. He was being helped by a priest. We went close to Cardinal. Fr Cesare introduced me to Cardinal. When I kissed his ring he asked which part of Bangladesh I was from. I told him Dhaka archdiocese. He said that once he had visited Bangladesh. He was happy to know about the Jesuit presence in Bangladesh. He wanted to talk to me more. But as he was finding it difficult to speak and his voice was so low, the priest assisting the Cardinal asked me to meet him another time. Then the Cardinal blessed me and left.

Thereafter I would see Cardinal everyday for the mass. Every day after the mass he would give the final blessing. I would often look at his face during mass. There was always a glimpse of peace and serenity on his face. Then for the last few days he was finding extremely difficult to speak. He stopped joining the community mass. I would often go to his room to take or give something for him.

This morning I came to know that his final moment has come. Then in the afternoon, when I heard that he passed away, I went to his room with another a few Jesuits. We stood near his bed as ‘friends in the Lord’. Though his eyes were close but the same peace and serenity was on face. I remembered the few words we exchanged. This short meeting gave me much joy…I will always cherish this short meeting!

31 Days!

31 days and 31 July…


For the last 31 days I am in Spain and on 31 July I leave Spain. 31 July is the feast day of St Ignatius of Loyola. The Catholic Church, particularly the Jesuits remember this dreamer on this day.

Among the many adjectives used for St Ignatius, I like most the dreamer. Each time I visit a place related to St Ignatius, I ask myself, “What inspired him to come here?”

There may be many reasons, but I am convinced that he had a dream. A dream for AMDG! He kept up his dream till the end of his life. Perhaps 31 July reminds us of our dream!!!

31 Days!

If only we could!


That must have been sometimes two years ago. I showed the church of Jesus and the Rooms of St Ignatius to three visitors. They were from Bangladesh but presently staying in Europe. Once we came out of the Church and about to say goodbye to each other, one of them expressed his desire to say something. I asked him to say without any hesitation. “We are in Europe and we are very fortunate to see and walk the paths of many saints who have set before us good exams.” He said very slowly but clearly. “If only we could follow their examples in our lives, we could make our world a better world.” He said goodbye to each other but his words lingered with me for quite sometimes.

For the last few days I have been visiting many holy places related to the saints. Yesterday I visited Avila- the places of St Teresa and St John, the Cross. As I was visiting all these holy places, I asked a simple question to myself, if only I could follow the some of the good examples of these holy people….

31 Days!

Making myself naked before God!

This time of the year, honestly speaking, every year I tend to become more reflective on my Jesuit life. This pious practice I began in the novitiate. Just before the feast of St Ignatius we would have nine days of special prayer or novena. Our novice director would ask us to reflect on the life of St Iganatius and ask for the blessing for our life. During my two years of novitiate I did it according to the instruction of my novice director.

Years have gone by! I do not have the same opportunity of any structural prayer or novena. But every year on July 22, I strongly feel that I need to spend quiet time. This year also the same! This time is more special. Presently I happen to be in the land of St Ignatius. I will have the opportunity to celebrate his feast in a place, very close to his birthplace. Last weekend I visited his birthplace Loyola. To my great surprise, I realized that for the last three years I have been regularly visiting Loyola and other Ignatian sites. What surprised me that after each visit, I would never thought that I would come back again. But I have been fortunate enough to come back again and again. Every time I come back with different people both- laity and Jesuits. Each visit leaves some impact on me.

Just a few days ago, I have completed 12 years as Jesuit. In 2000, I left a remote village of Bangladesh and now I am living in Rome, the very house where St Ignatius spent 12 years of his life. A long way…a long story! I remember sitting in the room of St Ignatius (in Rome), late in the evening I asked myself how was my last 12 years!

I joined the Jesuit with a view of making myself a holy and pious priest. But soon I discovered the impressions I had about the religious life are far more distant from the reality. I did begin to question. I did have many doubts. But I was fortunate to have some very good formators who have helped me to understand the meaning of religious life. They helped me to see things in different perspective.

Then I have encountered my own shortcomings. I have fallen again and again. I realized that I am a human being. It is normal for me to fall but I have to rise. The Lord, whom I was placing only in the Church, falls with me. He also helps me rise. Many of my external practices vanished day by day. The form of my prayer has changed. The rituals, formalities, and external devotion, which I had for Divine God, have been replaced by my personal relationship with a God who lives among us. I have begun a process of making myself naked. And these years St Ignatius has been the source of inspiration for me!

31 days!

July 8: Pescador de hombres

Yesterday I had an opportunity to attend the priestly ordination of a Jesuit. This was not the first priestly ordination I have ever attended. I have had attended many ordinations, even being involved directly as the master of ceremony. But this ordination was very particular. Right from beginning of the ceremony, I was reminded of course on the sacraments, which I have just finished. I remembered different important aspects like the theological expiations, the church teachings and the Biblical references of the sacrament of the ordine. When the Bishop was saying the ordination prayer, my companion who was sitting beside me whispered to me saying, “Ripon your time is coming soon!” I knew he was refereeing to my priestly ordination! I looked at him and we exchanged a witty smile.

31 days!

July 2: Todo por Jesús (Everything for Jesus)


I have come to Salamanca for the Spanish language course. We are 17 participants from Europe, America, Africa and Asia. I did not find any familiar face. It was really great to meet different people- hailing from different culture. Everyone has unique dream. We had formal and informal meetings. We shared our dreams of taking up Spanish language. I felt quite at ease with the group. Perhaps that is one of the great things of being Jesuit- we are all friends in the Lord. All the Jesuit communities are like our own home and we are well accepted wherever you go.

I paid a quick visit to the Jesuit community. It is relatively a big community. It is a centre of Jesuit formation as well as infirmary. It is a place where Jesuits prepare themselves for the mission and also return to very place at the end of the mission. While we were visiting the senior Jesuits at the infirmary, our guide was pointing to us some of the great works these Jesuits have done in the life time.

At end of the day when I returned to my room to sleep I noticed a photo of St Ignatius, hanging on the wall. Just below the photo it was written in Spanish, ‘todo por Jesús’ means everything for Jesus. How true it is in the life of many Jesuits- past and present!!!

30 days!

July 1: I have come a long way!

I left Rome with a bit of nervousness and anxieties. Though I travelled alone many times before but this time I was feeling a bit lonely. I was sad to think that almost three months I would be away from my community and I would have hardly opportunity to meet my companions. I wish I could have been with friends, especially with whom I like to talk and share my life. But sadly I was all alone. I must admit that the night before leaving Rome I could not sleep. In the morning I just took a caffe and left my community.

I took a bus from Termini to arrive at the airport. I got into a deep sleep as soon as bus began to move. At one point I noticed that a boy came and sat next to me. I was so tired that I did not feel like engaging any conversation with him. I continued to sleep. I got up when I heard a voice telling me, “We have arrived.” I opened my eyes and saw a beautiful young girl asking me to get up. I thanked her. The boy who sat next to me left me without telling me anything. But that girl, who must have noticed that I was in deep sleep, took initiative and reached out to me. Perhaps girls are more generous than boys!

I did not have any difficulty to get into my flight. I was so tired that during the entire journey slept. I was very hungry when I arrived in Madrid. I did not want to spend time on eating as I had to change tree trains to reach to my destination Salamanca. I had met a few generous people, who helped me whenever I needed any help. I reached in Salamanca around 4:30 pm. As soon as I got into my room I got a phone call from my aunt. When I explained to her about my journey, she said, “You have come a long way! Jesuits have trained to you face any situation.” I knew she was referring to my days at home. At home I was very quiet and shy person. Yes, over the years things have changed. I have indeed come a long way!!!

‘I have had a fear, but I took courage!’

I have almost decided to give up! I spent two days flipping over pages. The over 150 pages of notes appeared to me ‘playing of words.’ I have tried to make some sense out of them. All time it was fruitless effort. Though initially I had an intention of burning my midnight oil, but the repeated failures forced me to retire on bed. I switched off my light at 1:30 and put on again at 5:00. I sat at my desk again. I opened my notes. I thought something I would remember from the previous day. Everything appeared to me new. I had only five hours left before I meet my professor. I did not know what I should do! I have almost decided to give up. I left my room for the breakfast. Near the dining room, I met our co-worker Anna. She helps us to keep order in the house. Usually she does not speak. She is one of the three women among the 40 plus men in the community. She would be also one of the youngest most among us. As usual I said, “ciao.” She replied. I proceeded.

“Rozario” she called me. “Yesterday I gave blood.” I did not quite understand as she spoke in Italian very fast. I thought she was sick. I asked what was wrong with her.

“I donated blood to one of my relatives” she said. “It was first time for me. I have had fear. Then I took courage and everything went on well” she said smilingly and left. The simple words touched me. It kept on coming ‘I have had fear but I took courage.’ I proceeded.

At the breakfast table I was all alone. I asked myself, why can’t I take courage? By the time I returned to my room I was already very positive. Soon my anxieties and fear left me. I opened my notes. I began to read.

And the rest is a history. I went to the university and had my exams. Of course I returned to my community smilingly!!!

Little happiness for her!

That news brought much joy to me. The moment I heard the news, her innocent face came into my mind. For a while, I lost in the memory...

Anondi is her name. The English translation of her name would be ‘happiness or joy.’ But contrary, till today this is what she has missed more. Perhaps this very word was not written in her life dictionary. I know her from the day she came into this world. When she was born I must have been 12 or 13 years old. She was born in a very poor family. All the more, her father was an alcoholic. Whatever he was earning, he would spend on drinking. There was constant quarrel between her parents. Her father would beat her mother often. Her arrival in this world was not well received. First of all she is a girl and secondly the coloure of her skin.

Her parents got two more children. Both were boys.  As her mother would work in houses of rich people, Anondi had to look after them. She would have begun to cook for the entire family when she was just nine or ten years old. In spite of all the problems, her mother wanted to give her children education. She got all of them enrolled in the school. But Anondi did not do well in school as she had to do a lot of works at home. She discontinued.

Years went by. The sad story of Anondi continued. By now she accepted her fate. Meanwhile I left home. I would meet Anondi once in a while. In my last meeting I saw she was already grown up. Her parents were trying to arrange a marriage for her. But the coloure of her skin became a problem. Anondi shared with me her sad stories. She was afraid that as her father constantly beat her mother and one day he might kill her. When she was talking to me her eyes were filled with tears.

Then last September I got the sad news that her mother committed suicide. I really felt very sad. I was worried for Anondi. I know my culture! I know my society! I knew how difficult it would be for Anondi to find a life partner. I could only see the darkness ahead of Anondi. I wish I could help her in some way! But...

Life keeps on going. I would often try to collect some news of Anondi. Recently I heard her father kept on taking alcohol. Her brothers stopped going to school. This is what happens in a family without mother...And then, I got the news. A marriage has been arranged for her. She is due to get married in June, this year. I wish and pray finally for her ‘joyful life!’

(I come from a country, where there are many more Anondi...I feel sad for them...the society, the culture, the people are against them...I wish I could reach out them...if I could add little happiness in their lives...)

Faults are thick where love is thin!

I must confess that ‘those days’ I was too simple! Too innocent! I would think and perceive things in different ways than I do today. I was just out of the novitiate, the first stage of Jesuit formation. I prefer to call the novitiate ‘the Jesuit making factory (!). I had just passed a few weeks since I took my first vows. The teachings of my novice director were still vivid in my mind. He knew soon I would be entering into a new world. The two years in the Novitiate was many ways a ‘protected and safe haven.'

How big is my God!

These days often I ask myself, “How big is my God?”

Being in Rome, I am fortunate enough to see the ‘BIG’ places of God. There are hundreds of Churches, lots of holy places related to saints and the tombs of saints and their relics are to be found in every corner of Rome. The priests, religious men and women are very much visible in the streets of Rome. All these places and people are supposed to manifest God. But do we really find God?

The spirituality, which I try to follow, is Ignatian Spirituality. My knowledge of Ignatian spirituality is very limited. But one sentence of St Ignatius, “finding God in everything” always keeps me down to earth. Sometimes I make God BIG and sometimes I make very small. Every task I perform, every word I utter, every moment I spend with others show how BIG or small is my God.

There is a growing tendency to make God small. We are comfortable to make ourselves BIG. Thus we make everything external BIG. This gives us identity. But our true identity God often remains small.

As I often ask myself, how big is my God!, I also wish if I could make my God BIG!

A smile speaks to me a lot!

As part of my pastoral work, yesterday I went to the house of Mother Teresa. My work was very simple. I was helping the sisters to distribute food. While distributing food, I tried to talk and crack some jokes. At one point I noticed someone caught my hand. I looked at him. He was trying to tell me something. But he was unable. With the help of his hands he asked me to get a banana. I went to the store-room and got a banana for him. I could see the joy on his face when I handed over the banana. Then I moved to the next person.

At the end of the meal, I was cleaning plates. Again I noticed some one touched me. I turned my head and saw the same person. This time he was not asking anything. With a broad smile he was trying to say ‘thank you.’ I looked at him again. His innocent smile touched me. It was something very precious. His smile spoke to me a lot. Then he left me. But his smile remains with him…

Moment like this…!

There are times when I feel get out of the routine life and do something different. Those are the moments when I listen to my heart. I just follow wherever my inner heart leads me. One of those moments was just a week ago. It was during weekend. I did some studies during the day. I had my dinner around 8:00pm. The dinner was rather quiet. While having dinner I decided to make a short walk. I returned to my room and quickly changed my dress. Locked my room and went out. I had no clear idea of where to go. I took my usual road, which leads me to Colosseo. I prefer to take this road as there are lots people. I always notice something strange and funny along the way. As I was going to Colosseo I found one side of the road there was a concert going on. There were a lot of people around. I could hear the sound of the music from far.

Hide!

Was it my mistake? Was it my mistake to bel

RIP: Gvidas

Bro Mura sj, my community member and a senior Jesuit asked me, “Did you get the news?” “What news?” I asked, with a witty smile as I do often with him.

“Gvidas went to the house of our Lord” he replied. “We will remember him in our prayer” he continued and walked towards the chapel.

It would not unfair for my part if I do not say it was expected. (I wrote about him already in my blog, a few weeks back:http://riponspeaks.blogspot.it/2012/03/we-are-friends-in-lord.html ).We all knew his days are numbered, but we did not know when it would come.

Gvidas, a young scholastic of my community was diagnosed with cancer last year. Last summer he went to the USA for his doctoral research. It was there that his illness was discovered. Before summer we all wished each other and hoped to meet again after summer. But who would have guessed that it was our last meeting with Gvidas.

Gvidas died in the presence of his mother. It must have been/is a terrible time for his mother. This reminds me the sorrows of our dear Mother. Our Mother silently bore the sufferings of her dear Son.

Gvidas your memories will always remain with us!

Are we really free!

There were many topics bubbling up in my mind. I thought of writing on different issues, different incidents or on my experiences. But then the words of my General, Fr. Adolf Nikolas have changed my plan.

Today he came to our community for his official visitation. The sermon he preached, during the Holy Mass was very touching. ‘Our interior freedom’ was one of the many topics he touched upon. He gave examples of how we are attached to certain things.

Interestingly it was just two weeks before I had an opportunity to listen to a sermon on freedom. The celebrant gave the examples of our attachments to certain things. But at the end he said one thing that we were free to love God as well as people around us. There is no one who can interfere us in this regard!

As I go to bed, I ask myself am I free? How many times I say, I, my, me…

RIP: Fr Jacob Srampickal SJ

I paused for a while. I was in the middle of composing a mail. I left it unfinished. How could it possible! I was just planning to have a meal with him. Last month he invited me to his community. We had a lovely meal with lots of sharing. He was planning to go back to India to take up his new assignment. We decided that after Easter we would meet again. But he is gone!

My companion Benedict came and broke the news to me. He picked up the news from the facebook and then confirmed with his friends. He was Benedict’s professor. Then he came and told me. He knew that we were good friends.

On the first gathering of the South Asian Jesuits I met him here in Rome. We spoke for a while. Then he invited me to his community. I went to his community with another Sri Lankan Jesuit. We spoke a lot. He mentioned to us about the importance of companionship and friendship. He asked us to have always time for our companions. We three of us formed a group. Then over the year we met several times. Sometimes he would come to our community; sometimes we would go to his community. He was a professor and we were students in the same university. But he always made us feel at home in his presence. While talking to us he would be very down to earth.
Today he is no more with us. His memories are still vivid. He was a true Jesuit companion to me.

Dear Father Srampickal, you have touched my life with your presence. We have walked for a while together. Though I miss you, but I am sure we will meet again. We are friends in the Lord!

Bengoli New Year: promising of joy!

Rather quietly I passed Bangla New Year. I have just exchanged wishes with some people back in Bangladesh as well as in Calcutta. In the morning I thought profoundly that ‘DAY LIKE THIS I MISS BANGLADESH.’ I was a bit sad- just missing my dear ones. In the middle of the day I went for the Holy Mass. I must admit that I was not fully present in the liturgical celebration. At the beginning of the homily the celebrant said, we should not be sad. Sadness is the mother of many problems, doubts and mistakes. He also said that Jesus Christ with his resurrection overcame the sadness and brought happiness and joy for all of us. I came out from the Church with a smiling face! There was joy within me!

Easter Sunday: New Hope, New life!

One of the inspiriting homilies I have ever heard was when I was in Calcutta, doing college studies. It was the time when I was having some difficulties with regard to my admission. I had by then completed two years and was remaining just one more year to finish my graduation. Just before writing my final exams of two years, I was told by the university authority that my admission was not accepted due to year gap. After completing class XII, I joined the Jesuits and spent four years in different formation houses. This gap led me to this difficulty. It was a complete chaotic situation. My Jesuit Superior came with me to the university and he was told my admission would not be accepted. My Superior asked me to wait; meanwhile he was trying to do something!

It was just after Easter. A visiting Jesuit priest from a rural mission station was staying with us just for a few days. One day he was asked to offer Mass for us. He began his homily by saying that we were Easter people. Jesus gave us new life with his resurrection. Why should we be worried about our life! Jesus is our life. Then he shared his life story, how his life experience has taught him. As he was speaking I could feel that he was convinced of what he was preaching. He did not utter any theological jargon. By the end of the Mass I was already feeling a sense of peace and serenity. That was the first time I was convinced that we are Easter people.

Every year around Easter, I remember this inspiring sermon. Another Easter is at our door. For the last couple hours I have been receiving Easter greetings. To my great surprise, I noticed that most of the messages are with a simple of message of ‘New Hope and New life!’

Wishing you all a blessed Easter and of course New Hope and New life…

Good Friday and…!

And then another Good Friday is at our door! That means ‘Jesus is dead!’ The simple question which kept on lingering with me for the last few days is- Jesus why did you die! The Holy Bible says, he died for our salvation and to fulfil the plan of his Father. Many great theologians, spiritual gurus say that he did so that we have a new life.

I tried to answer this question. There were many responses! Many thoughts! But the only answer which convinced me is that he died for each one of us. He died for me. He did so because he loved us all. He still loves us… He does not remain a dead man when we are aware of this love. He himself becomes a love. We are all invited to partake in this love. This is the message that Good Friday brings to us…

When everything is dark!

When someone asked me yesterday how I was, I responded, “I’m a bit down these days.’’ “Come on man, you cannot be. You are all time smiling and going around with your usual activities.” I knew he did not believe me. So I turned a twist and said, “Oh I am just kidding you!” And then we moved to other topics. Time and again I do ask others, ‘how are you’, but often I am not serious. I just ask for sake of asking!

I love you always!

I must confess that I was not supposed to read that particular email. It was a sheer accident. I was in a studio of the Vatican Radio along with some of my companions. Someone was explaining to us different techniques of the radio. At one point my eyes fixed on a computer. Someone must have opened email and forgot to signout. The bolded letters short message reads “ ti voglio sempre bene anche con la tosse.” The English translation would be, I always love you even with your cough. This message clicked me. I looked again. And again!

We are friends in the Lord!

(Remembering a companion, who is suffering in the hospital bed and the doctors are reportedly have said that his days are counted...)

I am quite sure that this short piece will never reach to you. You must be in your hospital bed, when I type this. You must be silently suffering. There may be someone with you. Your mother must be sitting very close to you. She must be praying to God a hundred times for your speedy recovery. She must be remembering your childhood days. The things you did – perhaps something funny! Her suffering reminds me the suffering of our dear Mother Mary. She saw terrible sufferings of her dear Son Jesus. Your brother might be silently asking God, ‘why?’ He must be also recalling all the moments you both have spent together. They might include little fights at the dining table or at the play ground.

Life changes!

Yesterday while having dinner alone, it clicked me that how my life has changed during the course of time. There were times when I would have hated to have meal alone. I would always expect others company. Now sometime I do take meal alone and most of the time I did not notice even! As a child I would always dine with my near and dear ones. Later on, while staying in the student’s hostel or initial stages of formation I would dine always in the company of others. Still I remember the most difficult time I passed once during my first year of regency. I had to be all alone in the house just for three days. It was not that I was frightened! But I felt terrible. I missed the presence of others. Then again I had to be along during my second year of regency in Dublin for a few days. As we were all busy with different activities at one point everyone had to be out except me. When my Superior noticed it, though he himself was away, asked me if I could stay alone. Though I said yes but it was also difficult. Now I am quite comfortable having meal alone!!!
Perhaps this is what we could call changing faces of life. I clearly see the difference of way I see things now, the way I judge, the way I deal with others... I will not term it as a positive sign or as a negative sign. But they make me wonder! They make me to reflect. Sometimes I ask myself, is life changing too fast! Perhaps this is what we would call, life changes!!!

Oh love!!!

“My life has been shattered. She has ruined me. Many a times, I read in the novels and watched in the films this sort of stories. But I never thought it would happen in my life too. You were right. I regret why I did not listen to you.’’ From the other side of the phone Piyal said as I received the phone. I was a bit shocked. Piyal (name changed) is one of my good friends. He is an ex-Jesuit. We stayed together six long years together. We have had many good memories. I was surprised and sad when he left the Jesuit. As far as I knew him, he had a heart for the poor and always wanted to work for the betterment of the people. But something happened along the way. When he informed me that he was leaving the Jesuits I was literally shocked. I could not talk to him much as I was far away from him. I tried to convince him. But his love for ‘her’ was too deep. As I knew the girl I asked him to be careful. I doubted about the motivation of the girl. But as saying goes, love is blind; my friend left the Jesuits for her. All he wanted to is to love here and have a good life.

But he never imaged that the girl was just playing with him. She played with him three long years. But at the end she eloped with a Hindu boy. All these years, she kept it secret and pretended others, specially her parents that she was having an affair with my friend. But when she found an appropriate time she eloped with him.

At the end of our conversation he asked me, “Why love has ruined my life?” I have no reply. I have no words of consolation for my friend. (To be continued)

Along the way!

Yesterday I was feeling a bit heavy. I was looking for something which would give me a break of my unusual activities. Suddenly it clicked me that I could accompany two of my companions as they were going to the ‘HOME’ of Mother Teresa Sisters’ for the weekly service. I called one of them and expressed my desire. He welcomed me and asked me to get ready soon.

An unexamined life is not worth living!


The very saying of Socrates, “An unexamined life is not worth living” was the theme of an essay which I had to write for the entrance test for my philosophical studies. I do not remember what exactly I wrote but I do well remember that the thought kept on lingering for quite sometimes. Today I finished my semester end exams. Last few days I was almost confined with books. I had spent hours after hours reading, writing and memorizing. I do not bother about the outcome as I always do. I know that I tried my best and worked hard. With these exams I have also completed half of my studies here in Rome. Should I examine my life at this point!

No! I do not make any general examination…rather I take the other way. I live out my life fully and let God examine my life!

Just by our words!

Recently I have come across a sentence, which reads, “I am not a handsome but I have a hand for someone.” How wonderful and meaningful these words. Often we consider, helping others mean in term of giving money or material goods. But in reality we can reach out to many people just by giving our time. There are many around us who want their stories to be listened. Or even just a smile could make a difference in other’s life.

Years back, after the three attempts I could enter the Indian High Commission to submit my application form for visa. As I was leaving the premises of the High Commission, I met a boy with a gloomy face. Out of my curiosity I asked him what was wrong with him. He told me that he had tried to enter the High Commission for the last few days but he could never enter because the queue was too long. He was about to give up the hope of submitting the application, though he was badly need of the visa. I had no salutation to offer him. I just asked him to try one more time and I assured him that he would get through this time. After exchanging our contact numbers I left the spot. Within an hour, I received a call from that particular boy, informing me that he had managed to enter the High Commission and submitted his application. He was overjoyed and thanked me for the advice. I felt shy as I had done nothing for him. This made me to think that how we could reach out to people with our simple words. The world is in need of you and me…Are you ready to reach out to others!

Why?

I have had always a special liking for the word, ‘why?’ as a child I would always ask ‘why’ to my parents, teachers and neighbours. My ‘why(s)’ would focus on knowing something new or to get clarified on certain issues. My mother sometimes would get angry with me and would tell me to concentrate on studies. The person who would try to answer my ‘why(s)’ was my aunty, who was a nun. Whenever she would come home, I would always stay close to her and put forward all my why(s). Then over the years I found many people, who would listen to me. I was fortunate enough to live with some great intellectual Jesuits, who would eagerly response to my why(s).

Life!

Should I say I have only one life! I never even thought about it. But for the last few days it has been poking my head. I have begun to see many lives in me. Let’s be straight forward. I embraced student life almost 25 years ago, in between a few years of gap I still continue with my student life. When I joined with the Jesuits, I embraced religious life, then spiritual life, vowed life, intellectual life …then I added life in Calcutta, life in Chennai, life in Dublin, life in Rome…and list is endless. Have they divided my life into pieces!
Lately I have faced or rather began to see many challenges of life. I have no doubt to say that life is a struggle. But have I stopped! Have I given up my life! No!!! I have begun to see many new faces of life. Many more aspects of life are emerging within me. I am convinced with my Spiritual Director, who often says life is a process. These days I spend many hours confined in my room, looking at the books, remembering all the great personalities who have written and have spoken based on their life experiences. I do look at my experiences. I ponder over them. And then I look for many more experiences…

Words!

Among the many sayings of my mother, these days, often comes to my mind this one: “when you have nothing positive and constructive to say then keep quiet. It is far better to remain silence than to criticize or speak ill of others.”