Looking back and turning forward

15 years ago on this day...

June 21, 2002, the day marked as my first commitment (first vows) to the Society of Jesus. We were 13 of us, of which six are ordained priests, two will be ordained soon, two professed brothers and three have found their new vocation in married life.

The memory of the day is still vivid to me. Our novice master made sure that we were ready spiritually. We had eight days retreat just before the vows day. During retreat, just to compile together all my sentiments and feelings, I composed a song which was sung on the vows day.

I don't claim that I was ready for three vows or I knew the intrinsic meaning of the three vows. At the end of two years of noviciate, I applied for vows and was given permission to pronounce three vows in the presence of Fr Provincial. I enjoyed the day with my companions. I enjoyed the festivity. I enjoyed the greetings of the many Jesuits, "welcome to the club."

After 15 long years, I am convinced that three vows were three traffic signals that directed my journey. I begin to realize that these vows never bound me rather set me free. They helped me to be more real human being. They helped me to acknowledge my shortcomings and failures.

Today, after 15 long years, I am reminded that the grace of the Lord is with me. It is an assurance that he accepts me as I am. Perhaps, today he invites me to build a bridge between my real self and actual self...

Adieu Sister Shushila! We will meet again…

A spoke to Sr Shushila probably a month ago. She did not have any mobile phone. She requested a nun to give me a call. She spoke a lot…a lot. She wanted to speak more. I allowed her to speak. She asked me, how do I feel? What do I eat? When do I pray? How is my health? How is my study…She wanted to get my mobile number and expressed her desire to talk to me more often. At the end of the conversation she passed on to the nun, who informed me that Sr Shushila was just diagnosed with cancer and she is in her advantaged stage.  

Then just a week ago, I called the same nun who knew Sr Shushila well. On receiving my call, she said in a sober voice, “why did not you call all these days? Sr Shushila was desperately looking for a chance to talk to you. She wanted to tell you so many things.”

“Please take your phone to her. I wanted to talk to her.” I said hurriedly.

“It is too late. She has been senseless and she cannot recognize anyone for the last three days” she said and wept.  

And today I got the news of her passing away…She has gone to her Divine spouse, her Master, whom she served so faithfully. I will always regret of not talking to her for the last time. I could not hear her last word. She will never tell me, Ripon tumi bhalo father hoye thakbe shobsomoy (Ripon be a good priest all the time).

Sr Shushila was not known to me for many years. She was in her early eighties and I was in my early thirties. I still remember the day, when I met her for the first time. After the holy mass, she came to me and asked me to visit a sick person with her. I happily agreed. From then onwards, she would always inform me about the sick people and asked me to visit. I would often visit sick people with her. She knew all the sick people of the parish. She was also aware of the problems of the people and tried to help them, whenever she could. She would love to be with the people.

Then she got transferred. But she never forgot me. She would always come to visit me. She would call me from other’s mobile phone and tell me to be a prayerful and holy priest. The last word she uttered to me was to be a holy priest. Just before leaving for Bangladesh, I met her and spoke. She was telling me again and again that she would die before I return to the country. That day I did not realize how true were her words.

She died on the Mother’s Day. She was truly a mother to me. She taught me how to love the poor and sick people.

I am convinced that she is in heaven and she is praying for me. Adieu Sr Shushila! We will meet again…

Let’s talk about sexuality!

This is might be a crazy thing for a priest to talk about sexuality! At least, as a young boy I never expected that priests should speak on sex, sexuality or intimacy…! All I thought and believed that they were angelic! They were beyond sexual desire and temptation. Oh, what a foolish I was…

Let me begin with a personal experience. Usually at the end of any session or a talk, sometimes, depending on the group, I ask the participants to ask me any question, related to topic or beyond. I also polity tell them that I would answer if only I knew. Once I was taking session for over hundred students aged 16-18 on friendship. To capture their attention for the entire morning, as I was asked to do so, I had to use a lot of stories, video clips etc. At the end, I gave them time for clarification and questions. Many interesting questions ranging from my childhood stories to vocation story then to the experience of my first love…and what not! Suddenly one question brought the entire group in a pinpoint silence. Someone from the last seat asked me, “hey Father are you sexually active?” Everybody looked at me. I paused for a while and before answering his question, I told him that I have a question for him (a very Jesuitica indeed!). “What do you mean by sexuality?” “Having genital sex with opposite sex” he replied quickly. The entire class broke into laughter. “Well”, I said “according to your definition I am not sexually active” but then I looked at the participants and said, “but to the real sense of the word sexuality, I am a sexually being.”  “How father?” Many asked!

“Sexuality is not genital sex. Sexuality is my entire self. I am a human being as well as I am a sexual being. My sexuality is a gift that I received from God. The way I talk, the way I deal with others, the way I relate to God- reveal my sexuality” I replied spontaneously without any pause.

After many years of taking my vow of chastity, I begin to realize that my vow of chastity makes me more free. It gives freedom to my sexuality. It allows me to appreciate my body and helps me to be more affective. It helps me to develop a relationship of giving and receiving based on love. I am happy a human being- as a Jesuit, as a priest because I am happy with my sexuality. 

The mystery of life…

(This short piece, I wrote in my diary on October 29)

On September 29, I went back to the university after three years. It was once again beginning of my student life. The university campus is well known to me as I have already studied here. But after three years, everything seemed to be new to me. I looked for some familiar faces. But alas! All I could recognize was the receptionist of our university. I went to the auditorium for the orientation program. I sat there quietly. The hour-long program seemed to be never ending. At the end of the program, we were taken to our respective class room.  I went to the class room silently and occupied a place in the middle of the class room. Then came a boy and sat next to me. We exchanged a few words. The professor came and gave an introduction on the course.  When the bell rang, I said goodbye to the boy who sat next to me and came back to my residence quietly.

Today is October 29. Exactly one month passed that we began our classes. We had a daylong seminar in the department. At the end of the seminar, we decided to spend some relaxed time together. Oh, I forget to mention that by now we became friends. We know each other's names and little bit of background. We went to the three fountains (in Rome) and had ice-cream. We had a lot of fun together. But today we could not leave quietly. We said good bye to each other.

As I was walking back to my residence, many thoughts were coming to my mind. Just a month ago, we were unknown to each other. Now we became part of each other’s life. What a mystery of life! Life is such short. It is better to enjoy every single moment. It is better to get involved in other's life and get enriched our life. After all life is a celebration. It depends on each one of us of how we take part in this celebration…

A few words while traveling...

I pen this text as I travel by train in Italy. There are lot of people around me and of course most of them are Italians. Italian people are very friendly and they get into conversation easily. They like to speak to foreigners who speak Italian. Of course they keep on saying, 'you speak very good Italian' and once you speak good Italian they do not say anything. In the past, While traveling in Italy I came to know many people. But today I do not feel like getting into any conversation with anyone. Don't ask me why!
Just before getting into the train, I was having a chat with an Italian friend. In the course of our conversation, she told me that she was scared of Bangladesh. But realising that she was talking to a Bangladeshi, she corrected herself and said, oh I was just making a fun. I know my friend was not making a fun and she was serious. She has obvious reason to do so. Recently We have killed nine Italians and some other foreigners in a cafe in Gulshan, Dhaka.
As I proceed in writing, I feel sad, angry with myself. I am angry because we killed those people who came to help us. I am sad because we could protect them in our country. They taught us what it is to be human.
I don't blame anyone. I do not want to make any judgment. I wish and pray that these 'spoilt son' of our nation could think for a minute the contribution of the forgniers in building our nation.
I have nothing to say. In silence, at the most I can murmur that we are sorry!




Celebrating my mother’s birthday!

Yesterday I went to celebrate my mother’s birthday. I must say that I was invited and asked to be there for the celebration. Initially I did not want to go. But my superior forced me to go as he was aware of my mother’s love for me. You might be wondering, what is so remarkable even my superior is aware of it. Every mother loves her children and it is quite natural. But indeed my relationship with my mother is a special one. She did not give me birth. She never nurtured me. In fact she became my mother only last year. Does it sound strange to you? Probably yes...

Let me narrate to you the incident of how she became my mother.  As a priest, I have more than enough opportunity to meet and interact with the people from all walks of life. Some people leave some marks on the first meeting itself. She was one such person, who made me feel close and important on the first meeting itself. Her innocent smiling face captured my attention. We exchanged a few words and she requested me to visit her house.

I must admit that her repeated phone calls led me to her house. She welcomed me and made me sit and offered me a cup of tea. While sipping the tea, I was attentively listening to her stories. She told me that her husband died when she was quite young. She struggled to bring up the children. She is content that her children are well settled in life. They all live in the city, leaving her alone in the village. I noticed that she did not complain about anything. Rather she gratefully remembers that her children take care of her by giving her money regularly. As she spoke, her eyes were filled with tears. At this point, I asked her, “Don’t you feel lonely? Wouldn’t it be better for you that you live with your children?”

“Oh yes at a time I do feel lonely. Especially at night I do not get sleep. But I cannot expect my children to be with me all the time. Now they have to establish themselves. They stay in the city with their family. Let them be happy with their families.”

“How often do they visit?”

“They try to visit me on Christmas and Easter Sunday. But not all of them could make it always. You know they are really busy people. Let them be happy with families.”

I particularly noticed that she was repeatedly saying that ‘let them be happy.’ This is a sincere wish of a mother for her children. I sat close to her for quite sometimes. As it was getting dark I got up to leave. She suddenly caught my hand and said, “You are like my son. I am happy that you are around me. Please come to visit me again.”

The innocent face of the lady flashed back to me again and again as I was walking down my community. Silently I said to myself, I have got a mother. From that day onwards, she has been showering her love for me in every possible way. I remain ever grateful to her as her love reminds me the love of Divine One who is invisible!

The precious gift of my Priesthood!

A year ago, on this very day I was the centre of attraction, if put it in a very simple term, as I was being ordained. For many it was a big occasion. My parents, relatives, near and dear ones wanted to celebrate the occasion. I allowed them to do whatever they wanted to do.

A year after, today I asked myself, ‘am I happy as a priest? Have I made a good decision a year ago? The simple answered came to me immediately is - YES. The ‘YES’ which I said to the Society of Jesus in 2002, I continue to say till today.

One year as priest was not always ‘bed of roses.’ I vividly remember just after my ordination a young lady telling me, ‘I do not look at the priests anymore. They are all sinners.’ I did not have any answer to give her. She had her own reason to tell me that. I just smiled at her. I remember another elderly man telling me, ‘if you are not capable of doing any work just get ordained. You will enjoy to the core.’ These comments definitely made me sad.

But these moments of sadness were nothing compare to all the blessings I received as priest. The hours after hours, I spent at the confession, gave me much joy and consolation. I remember a particular gentleman, who mad confession after 16 years, was crying during confession and hugged me at the end of the confession. I remember another young boy, ‘who is known as a spoilt boy’ touched my feet and wept at the end of the confession. I remember offering four/five masses in a day and feeling exhausted at the end of the day. I remember receiving a call around midnight to visit and bless a dying man. I remember taking Holy Communion to a sick lady who waited to receive Christ for months. There were moments when people trusted me and made me feel that I am one of them. All these happened to me because I am a Priest. These were moments which I will never forget. These were moments which help me to go forward.  And I thank God, for my vocation to the Priesthood. My priesthood is the precious gift I have directly receive from God.