Deep calls for deep!!!

‘Why did you say that? Why did you do that? Why did you behave that way? This is not right?’ …and many more! The list is endless! Time and again I have to face such type of questions. I must confess that I have begun to listen to such questions once I arrived in Europe, specially in Rome. Initially I used to be sad to hear. But once I realized that these questions arise out of cultural differences, I began to enjoy. In fact each time I face such question, I sink into deep thoughts. I look at the sky. I prefer to look at the sky at night. The dark silence of the sky gives me deep meaning. I see my deep self. I see my inner world. The nakedness of my life presents to me another life. Then I sink again into deep. In darkness, in silence…I find the ‘Deep.’ Theologian Michal Paul Gallagher, in his book, Dove e’ il tuo Dio, rightly says, God is found even in the darkness…I really do not know either I find God or not. But I am sure I meet something/someone DEEP.

During this summer I have had enormous encounters with the young people. These meetings opened my eyes to the reality that there is a great fear for DEEP. Our life has changed so much that we are afraid of Deep. We are happy with artificial, superficial and instant. This could be our relationship with each other as well as with God. Even we are afraid to go deep into ourselves. But in reality, in DEEP we find real meaning- joy and peace. And deep calls for deep…

Invisible among the visibles!!!

How wonderful it is to meet a person and engage into a very authentic conversation! It adds more excitement if one happens to meet someone after a long time! Recently, I had such an opportunity. I got a chance to meet a person after ten years. In fact, I was a bit surprise the way she greeted me. The way she held my hands, as per the tradition of my culture, spoke a lot to me. She is a senior nun, having much experienced than me. During our conversation, I could find out that she was quite up-to-date about me, though we never exchanged any forms of communication. Just to make fun at one point I told her, “I never knew somebody in this world loves me so much. I thought I am alone and forgotten person!”

I could not finish my sentence. Immediately the whole milieu turned up-side-down. She took my words literally and was very angry with me.

“God will be angry with you” she said angrily. “You are loved and there are many people to think and pray for you. We may not see or realize the love of others as we do not see God’s love sometimes. But God loves us so do others!” To calm her down, I had to admit that I just made a joke and wanted to make her angry. Then we had lovely conversation and she left.

She got into the bus and the bus began to move. I headed back home. But the thought lingered with me for sometimes. Yes God loves me…perhaps sometimes I notice it. Or may be sometimes I want to ‘rationalize’ too much that I do not find God. Perhaps too invisible! Too dark! Too complicated!... Thus Tagore rightly says, “have you heard his silent steps, he comes, comes every comes…!”

Life is like an airport!

We both were sitting across the table, enjoying a simple meal. The whole atmosphere was little somber as we knew this was our last meeting. We recalled our first meeting at the university. Initially language was a barrier to communicate with each other. As the days rolled by we found our common interests. We spent great deal of time at the university corridor, talking about serious and light moments of life. Now he has to leave to another country.

At one point of our conversation he said, “Life is like an airport. As in the airport, planes take off and take in; we have to always, in our life time also say goodbye and welcome.” I liked his comparison. In fact airports and railway stations are two places; I like to spend time in reflecting about life. Every movement of these two places reminds me of ‘life journey.’ These two places also help me to ‘examine myself’, if I put it in the Ignatian term.

Within a few minutes, I would leave for my retreat. Perhaps these eight days will be like spending time in an airport or in a railway station. I will have to say goodbye and welcome of….. But more importantly I will have to meet someone, who is always with me, though hidden and invisible!

This short meeting I will always cherish…

(For the last two months I have been visiting and meeting many people as my summer programme demanded me to do so. On August 16, I came to Gallarate Jesuit community to spend a few weeks. I try to help out in the Jesuit infirmary. I met some wonderful Jesuits here and Cardinal Martini is one of them.)

On August 17, after the Eucharistic celebration Father Cesare, the Superior of the Gallarate Jesuit community asked me, “Did you meet Cardinal Martini?” “I saw him from far but I did not have courage to meet him personally” I said rather low voice. “Come with me” he said and asked me to follow him.

Cardinal Martini just came out of the chapel with his wheel-chair. He was being helped by a priest. We went close to Cardinal. Fr Cesare introduced me to Cardinal. When I kissed his ring he asked which part of Bangladesh I was from. I told him Dhaka archdiocese. He said that once he had visited Bangladesh. He was happy to know about the Jesuit presence in Bangladesh. He wanted to talk to me more. But as he was finding it difficult to speak and his voice was so low, the priest assisting the Cardinal asked me to meet him another time. Then the Cardinal blessed me and left.

Thereafter I would see Cardinal everyday for the mass. Every day after the mass he would give the final blessing. I would often look at his face during mass. There was always a glimpse of peace and serenity on his face. Then for the last few days he was finding extremely difficult to speak. He stopped joining the community mass. I would often go to his room to take or give something for him.

This morning I came to know that his final moment has come. Then in the afternoon, when I heard that he passed away, I went to his room with another a few Jesuits. We stood near his bed as ‘friends in the Lord’. Though his eyes were close but the same peace and serenity was on face. I remembered the few words we exchanged. This short meeting gave me much joy…I will always cherish this short meeting!

31 Days!

31 days and 31 July…


For the last 31 days I am in Spain and on 31 July I leave Spain. 31 July is the feast day of St Ignatius of Loyola. The Catholic Church, particularly the Jesuits remember this dreamer on this day.

Among the many adjectives used for St Ignatius, I like most the dreamer. Each time I visit a place related to St Ignatius, I ask myself, “What inspired him to come here?”

There may be many reasons, but I am convinced that he had a dream. A dream for AMDG! He kept up his dream till the end of his life. Perhaps 31 July reminds us of our dream!!!

31 Days!

If only we could!


That must have been sometimes two years ago. I showed the church of Jesus and the Rooms of St Ignatius to three visitors. They were from Bangladesh but presently staying in Europe. Once we came out of the Church and about to say goodbye to each other, one of them expressed his desire to say something. I asked him to say without any hesitation. “We are in Europe and we are very fortunate to see and walk the paths of many saints who have set before us good exams.” He said very slowly but clearly. “If only we could follow their examples in our lives, we could make our world a better world.” He said goodbye to each other but his words lingered with me for quite sometimes.

For the last few days I have been visiting many holy places related to the saints. Yesterday I visited Avila- the places of St Teresa and St John, the Cross. As I was visiting all these holy places, I asked a simple question to myself, if only I could follow the some of the good examples of these holy people….

31 Days!

Making myself naked before God!

This time of the year, honestly speaking, every year I tend to become more reflective on my Jesuit life. This pious practice I began in the novitiate. Just before the feast of St Ignatius we would have nine days of special prayer or novena. Our novice director would ask us to reflect on the life of St Iganatius and ask for the blessing for our life. During my two years of novitiate I did it according to the instruction of my novice director.

Years have gone by! I do not have the same opportunity of any structural prayer or novena. But every year on July 22, I strongly feel that I need to spend quiet time. This year also the same! This time is more special. Presently I happen to be in the land of St Ignatius. I will have the opportunity to celebrate his feast in a place, very close to his birthplace. Last weekend I visited his birthplace Loyola. To my great surprise, I realized that for the last three years I have been regularly visiting Loyola and other Ignatian sites. What surprised me that after each visit, I would never thought that I would come back again. But I have been fortunate enough to come back again and again. Every time I come back with different people both- laity and Jesuits. Each visit leaves some impact on me.

Just a few days ago, I have completed 12 years as Jesuit. In 2000, I left a remote village of Bangladesh and now I am living in Rome, the very house where St Ignatius spent 12 years of his life. A long way…a long story! I remember sitting in the room of St Ignatius (in Rome), late in the evening I asked myself how was my last 12 years!

I joined the Jesuit with a view of making myself a holy and pious priest. But soon I discovered the impressions I had about the religious life are far more distant from the reality. I did begin to question. I did have many doubts. But I was fortunate to have some very good formators who have helped me to understand the meaning of religious life. They helped me to see things in different perspective.

Then I have encountered my own shortcomings. I have fallen again and again. I realized that I am a human being. It is normal for me to fall but I have to rise. The Lord, whom I was placing only in the Church, falls with me. He also helps me rise. Many of my external practices vanished day by day. The form of my prayer has changed. The rituals, formalities, and external devotion, which I had for Divine God, have been replaced by my personal relationship with a God who lives among us. I have begun a process of making myself naked. And these years St Ignatius has been the source of inspiration for me!